it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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