My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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