Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
