You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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