I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize