You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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