Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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