This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
