I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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