bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
