this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
