just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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