i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.