I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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