I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
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