I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
