my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
