What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
