I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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