I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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