Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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