we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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