listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
