I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
