His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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