Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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