how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My penis needs a shock collar
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
