barbara walters just said penis...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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