Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
