he puts the penis in happiness.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
