I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
