bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
