Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
