The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
