Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
