8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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