Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
