the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
