I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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