Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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