We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
