genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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