Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
someone owes me an orgasm
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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