in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
