I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
