I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
