Plan B is the new Plan A
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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