That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
