So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
