I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
40s are totally the cure
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
