I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
