all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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