Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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