omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
