Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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