Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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