so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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